Nothing to do...?

My mum tells me how as a kid, I'd get on everyone's nerves asking the same question over and over again... "What should I do?"..And this was not a huge, existential question of any sort... I always meant to get suggestions about what i should do right then... one restless kid I was... any activity suggested to me would hold my interest for only so long and I'd come back with the unanswerable...What should I do?

And I still don't stop asking myself that... every now and then. Except that now I know how much there is to do in a lifetime and how little time. Things have changed to the point that I dread making to-do lists... simply because they are always too long for me... and importantly also because they force me to set my priorities in my head. What's a priority anyway... what you need over what you want... ? What if you begin to absolutely need everything you want... you begin to have to-do lists as long as mine...

I often hear people complaining.."Well...I'm so bored...there's nothing to do "... How on earth does that happen... I haven't had nothing to do in a long long time , if ever. In fact , I have so much to do I always end up thinking I'm not making good enough use of my time. And you'd think for someone like me who gets bored rather easily (a friend of mine calls it my 'commitment issue'), this problem gets progressively simpler... nope... I seem to have atleast a semi-infinite lists of things I have to (need to ...?) do. And I'm glad to be that way. Boredom and void scare me.

I have never contemplated suicide... If I ever do, let it be known that it was most likely because I was fatally bored...'coz I had nothing to do...

"Esteem means what?"

This TV commercial from a while ago...
"Esteem means what?..." this little girl asks her Dad.
“Esteem means honour, pride.” The kid needs to know more...
“Pride means feeling good inside.”
That's the simplest and the truest thing I had heard... I have never been able to define anything I thought was worth defining... being in love, making love, trust, happiness, truth, esteem... but I often think these aren't different things at all... they all boil down to this... FEELING GOOD INSIDE ... that's all there is to it all...

As the aforementioned ad goes , the girl confirms her understanding by saying... "Aaah...like ice cream?"...

Yes dear ... indeed like ice cream... or dark chocolate... or that book you loved reading...or Gulzar's poetry... or the first rain of the season... or that crazy teenage crush... or all those times you just felt happy being around someone... or that awesome cup of fresh-brewed coffee...or the first pay check you earned... or that orgasm... or that confession ... it all felt the same in some way or the other... felt good inside